Whisper In A Dead Man's Ear
by randomprose
Summary: Oneshot Spike/Buffy reunion fluff. Because I'm still depressed that he died in the first place and this is how I cope! Alternate universe in which Buffy is living in L.A. and is out on an impromptu patrol when she runs into the last person she expected. But is it too much to hope for?


**Disclaimer**: Kindly ignore the events of Angel while reading this story. I hadn't yet seen the show when I wrote this. I meant to edit it after I had watched the show but honestly I was lazy. I dropped the ball, my bad. As usual, I do not own any characters/settings; only the plot. Enjoy!

**Word Count:** 2,017

**xXx**

"_I promised to protect her...till the end of the world. If I had done that, even if I didn't make it, then you wouldn't have had to jump. But I want you to know I did save you. Not when it counted of course, but after that...every night after that. Dozens of times lots of different ways. Every night I save you."_

I woke with a start. I tried my best not to cry. Yet again, my stupid brain filled my head with that stupid dream about stupid Spike. Two months since he sacrificed himself to save the world and it affected me no less than if it had only been yesterday. How fitting, I thought, that I should continue to dream about the night Spike apologized for not doing better for Dawn. At the time I thought he had done his best, that if anything, the apology was a cheap gimmick to better himself in my eyes. I hadn't understood then, just how much guilt one could feel. How when you care so much for someone, any failure on your part is too much, could've been done differently, never should've happened.

What did I know about love? I never let myself be open to it barring Angel and that hadn't exactly been happily ever after. Even my mother and sister had felt the wall I had put up. My mother had died and I could never quite be sure she knew I loved her. My greatest fear is that Dawn would die the same way. That being the Slayer had and would sabotage every relationship that mattered. Every relationship would fall second to my responsibility. But I wasn't _the_ Slayer anymore, was I? One of many now, I reminded myself.

I looked at the clock. It was 2:00 am. Sighing, I figured since I was up I might as well get some patrolling in. After Sunnydale had been destroyed, most of us had relocated to L.A. Willow, Xander, Dawn and I had gotten a house together. Giles was opting to split his time between America and England. Meanwhile, Faith and a handful of newly activated Slayers had gone to Cleveland to manage the Hellmouth there. What the rest of the Slayers were doing specifically, I hadn't really kept up to date. Willow knew all the details and had offered to share more than once but I didn't want to hear it. It didn't matter. They were Slayers; they could take care of themselves.

I walked though a cemetery that was only a few blocks from where I lived. Patrolling in L.A. was very different from patrolling in Sunnydale. In the two months I had been in L.A. I had killed maybe two or three vampires while in Sunnydale I'd see that many per night. I definitely wasn't on the Hellmouth anymore.

"Well aren't you a sight for sore eyes."

I whipped around. It couldn't be. Oh but there he was, plain as day. Bleached blonde hair and all.

"Spike?" I asked incredulously.

"Well it ain't Santa Claus." Spike smirked.

I felt my jaw drop. This wasn't possible. Whatever was happening right now, I just didn't believe it.

"What's the matter, Slayer? Cat got your tongue?"

I walked up to him, perfectly aware of his gaze on me, head slightly tilted in anticipation of my next move. I reached out my hand wanting to touch him but pulled back.

"Are you real?" I whispered.

"What do you think?"

"I don't believe this." I said.

"It's funny how a Slayer of all sorts of spooks and terrors can't fathom a dead man standing right in front of her." Spike commented.

"You're a ghost, then?" I asked.

"Does it matter?" Spike shot back. "What do all your fancy books and research say about dead vampires?"

I felt the tears welling up behind my eyes. What I wouldn't give for him to come back to life. But this wasn't life. This was some other supernatural figment. Temporary no doubt. Spike wasn't done though, not by a long shot.

"So what?" I yelled at him, "Are you going to haunt me now? It isn't enough that I can't get you out of my head? I think about you day and night! It never stops!"

"It never will!" Spike retaliated. "Don't you see?"

"No." I replied. "I'm more confused than ever."

Spike smiled. "I don't pretend to understand that which I do not. Doesn't mean I have to go about arguing with it. Don't you want me here, love?"

"How can you ask me that? I shouldn't have abandoned you. I could've done something-

"What exactly?" Spike interrupted. "If you had stayed, you would have died. Plain and simple."

"I could've taken the amulet off. Destroyed it or something. You didn't have to die." I answered.

"You don't know what destroying the amulet would've done. Likely nothing at all. It was too late for me, love. Redemption doesn't always mean happiness." Spike said grimly.

"But you were redeemed. Again and again. I was just to blind to notice." I protested.

"It wasn't for you to decide. A hundred years of killing people doesn't fix itself that quickly."

"Every night I save you. It doesn't count now but I do." His words came off my tongue with the clarity that he had been honest back then. We had both tried so hard, and we both failed.

Spike smiled slightly. Maybe he appreciated it. Maybe he thought I was lying again. It didn't matter to me. I had the chance to say it; I couldn't very well pass it up.

"I'm still not ready for you to not be here." I went on.

"I know."

"So now what? You aren't living. You aren't even unliving. It's not like before." I said.

"I don't know. I've never been a ghost." Spike grinned like a child receiving a new toy.

"Maybe I'm dreaming." I suggested.

"It's possible." Spike agreed. "What would I do as a ghost anyway?"

"I don't know." I admitted. "Seems like pure torture to me."

"Maybe it's best if we just let go." Spike said suddenly.

"I can't. I won't."

"Buffy you talk about torture. Well it's torture knowing you could never really love someone like me." Spike countered.

"Someone like you? Spike, _you_ saved us! You did it for me, I know, and I'll never even get the chance to prove..." I stopped myself.

"Prove what, Slayer?" Spike was looking at me like he could see right through my soul and it was driving me crazy. As if the memory of Spike wasn't enough to do that on its own.

I didn't answer right away. I'd used him and took him for granted so much that it was no wonder he didn't believe me the one and only time I said I loved him. Perhaps I had been lying then and just trying to comfort him. I didn't really know. But one doesn't simply think about someone that much after death and _not_ love them.

"You'll never know." I whispered, defeated.

Spike stepped closer to me and he was only inches away. "Try me." he dared.

"How...how much you mean to me." I answered finally.

"How much is that, exactly?" Spike looked weird in that moment. I couldn't tell if he was taunting me or genuinely curious.

"Would you believe me?" I countered, "Would it matter if I told a ghost how I feel?"

"Your call, love." Spike replied.

"You don't even know what you are!" I declared suddenly. I realized once more that this could not be Spike, just something that looked like him.

"No Buffy, you don't know what I am!" he snapped back furiously. "You never have."

I was taken aback. For something that wasn't really Spike it was certainly doing a good job. I decided the best course of action would be the simplest. To just be honest. Hadn't that been what Spike wanted all along? He had been a lot of things over the course of his existence but a liar had never been one of them. He was straight up about it all, from the very beginning. I was always trying to discredit him for that and I was out of reasons why.

"Spike...I'm really not much more than a girl, you know." I began. I wasn't too sure where I was going with this but I reminded myself I was being honest.

"I do know." Spike conceded.

"I've never had much opportunity to learn what it meant to be part of something more than myself. I'm always being the hero. I don't know how to be anything else. I don't know how to be a sister, a daughter, a friend, a student, a lover. I'll probably never know how to be any of those things. I'll never know how to let people in without hurting them in the end. I can't be good emotionally because it clouds my judgement. It makes me make mistakes. I can't look out for the entire world when I'm only looking out for a handful of people. When the enemy is only targeting them. And they don't understand that. Not really. The only one who's ever come close is you, Spike." I paused for a breath. "And I think that, for what it's worth, if I could ever love someone the way they deserve, it'd be you. I think I do love you. Maybe it's not the way you wanted, maybe it's not love at all but all I know is how lost I feel without you. All I know is how sorry I am that it took you dying for me to understand what you mean to me."

Spike looked like he was about to say something but changed his mind. He grinned proudly like he realized something and I hadn't. "Buffy, are we having a conversation? You know, one where you reciprocate words? One where you don't end up punching me in the face?"

My jaw dropped again. That's all he could say after I just poured my heart out? I would've loved to hit him for that. "You're dead, Spike. It'd go right through you."

"Maybe."

"What do you mean, maybe? You are dead. I watched it happen." I argued.

"I was always dead, love. I mean about being corporeal." Spike corrected.

"What are you trying to say?" I asked. It couldn't be what I thought he was trying to say because that was even crazier than Ghost-Spike visiting me in a cemetery.

"Stop asking so many questions."

"But-"

"Shh, love. Just be still."

"Spike." I warned.

Spike ignored me. Instead he closed the remaining distance between us and pressed his lips to mine. And I could feel it. It was as though he hadn't burned to ash in the Hellmouth. It wasn't like anything I remember about kissing him. It was gentle and loving. It was sort of like the Spike I was getting to know in the days leading up to his death. Did I mention I could feel it?

I pulled away, though it pained me to do so. "How?" I asked.

"Don't rightly know, do I?"

I didn't really know what to say to that so instead I brought my hand to the side of his face and gently caressed it. He was there, as he had always been. I didn't understand it. He brought his hand up and held it over mine.

"Still so doubtful of me." It was a statement. "I wasn't going to say anything but since you clearly need it spelled out for you I will. If I could ever love anyone who wasn't completely daft or you know, dumb as a post, my money's on you, pet."

I raised an eyebrow, pausing to consider Spike's previous romantic interests. Then I pulled his hand away from his face and down to my side. There were only so many ways this little reunion could end. I could only see one that would make me happy.

I tugged on his hand slightly and smiled. "Come on, let's go home."

He followed.


End file.
